


Conquer and Chill

by TheDarkMetalLady



Category: Gloryhammer (Band)
Genre: Catfishing, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Gen, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-22
Updated: 2019-09-22
Packaged: 2020-10-26 01:41:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,196
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20734160
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheDarkMetalLady/pseuds/TheDarkMetalLady
Summary: Being an immortal is lonely, especially when one is destined to destroy the Kingdom of Fife and become the ruler of the galaxy. Zargothrax decides to use modern mortals' technologies in search for a partner to be lonely no more.





	Conquer and Chill

**Author's Note:**

> Requested by [Draconic-Dreams](https://draconic-dreams.tumblr.com/) (originally on anon) on Tumblr. 
> 
> I do not own the Gloryhammer characters. Please note that this story is about the _characters represented by the band members_ and **not** about the band members themselves.

It was a brilliant idea, Zargothrax decided as he set up his profile on a service called Trothr. Finally, he would be lonely in his eternal rule no longer. Ah, the marvels of the few simple things mortals have managed to create in the ten centuries since 992. 

He had to admit, learning all of the hoops of new technology was a pain and stealing network login credentials was less fun than slaughtering peasants and ransacking their homes, but it would pay off, just as his thousand year wait for revenge would. But now, he was past the most annoying steps and onto the more enjoyable ones, like selecting a profile picture and writing about himself. The former of the two was made simple by the presence of a little device at the top of the phone he stole, and the latter was easy regardless, though it did infuriate him when the app informed him that he could only write 250 words and not a ten-page monologue. 

The password was easy to make. After all, what better person to mention in your password than the one no one would suspect you mentioning? So, he set his password as  _ DeathToMcFife13! _ and moved on. 

It appeared that he was done setting it up, finally. Alas, he was proved wrong, for bad design on the part of the mortals who created this program had caused him to skip the all-important username field. (He knew it was all-important after getting stuck with an unchangeable and frankly embarrassing username with the service provider. He had stolen himself a new account after realizing he couldn't alter it.)

But what to put?  _ HornyWizard1992 _ felt too forward.  _ GoblinLoverXXX _ felt like it would limit his options.  _ Slumber_Guy _ ? No, no, too boring.  _ Auchtermuchty_Hotty922 _ would have been good if it hadn't been likely to make the Spaceknights kick down his brand-new ebony door.  _ Black_Magic _ was an amazing username, but it was already taken, likely by some foolish mortal who knew nothing of the matter and did not deserve such a name. (He considered tracking down the pathetic mortal scum and showing them true black magic before destroying them and stealing their account, but that would have just invalidated all his hard work thus far.)

What to put, what to put?  _ Wizards_Staff _ was too crude an innuendo;  _ ZargoSex _ was too crude in general;  _ unicorn_friend _ was too dumb;  _ anster_guy _ was too boring;  _ Call_Me_Zargy _ would attract too many fools with weird kinks, not to mention that it was dumb too… He even considered pretending he was a fan of his worst enemy and making his username  _ AngusLover922 _ or something equally gag-worthy, as it was bound to attract some of the rich loyalists. For Kor-Virliath’s sake, it might even attract the egoistic prince himself if Zargothrax was lucky, which would hit two birds with one stone. 

Then, he got it. The perfect username. He typed it in, and… yes! It was available! He clicked to create his profile, and so his goal was ever-closer in sight after having spent over ten minutes agonizing over his username. 

He was now  _ EmperorOfChill _ . Not too obvious, not too forward, and yet perfectly commanding and ready to conquer. 

Now, to find himself a romance. After all, it was quite lonely when you were the most powerful person in the world. 

The first suggestion to pop up was a woman with a rather pleasing appearance. A prompt in his screen popped up telling him he could swipe to the side, and he experimented by trying to swipe right. Huh, curious little app. As if summoned, the woman immediately sent him a message. Good, he liked promptness and hated waiting. 

Alas, the message made him roar in anger, and he almost threw his phone. How dare the pathetic mortal not greet him with the respect owed to an emperor, to the great and all-powerful  _ Dark Sorcerer _ , and instead immediately asked him for something she referred to as a “dick pic”!?

He blocked the fool immediately and went back to searching. 

He spent the next two hours of his immortal life searching through the app, occasionally answering messages and occasionally swiping through people. One random mortal ( _ Physics_Master_969 _ ) messaged him with an explanation of an obscure quantum theory, which Zargothrax ignored, as it was old news to him. More mortals asked for these “dick pics,” and he promptly blocked all of them. He quickly realized that most of the messages were undesirable and instead focused on swiping through the options he was presented with. 

After swiping past many, many ladies with more skin visible than clothes, many of them in poses that confused the Dark Sorcerer greatly (what was the obsession with latrine mirrors?), he finally found a few more interesting specimen. 

The first of them was a woman by the name  _ Kitra13 _ . The picture of her was not the most perfect of all, but Zargothrax had already learned that the most perfect ones were often the fakest ones. What interested his most, however, were the tattoos on her skin -- she was a sorceress. The profile was short and ridiculous but also… intriguing. 

_ Scholar in the streets, demon in the sheets. _

Was she a succubus, then? He could handle that. He looked to see what she sought in a partner. 

_ Sweet, twisted sense of humor, strong character, knows what he wants, caring, but also has a life goal. Preferably not much contact with family (too many cases of overbearing parents). _

Hmm, he seemed to fit many of these, though perhaps not so much the “caring” part. Ah well, he could fake it well enough; she would thank him later, when she survived the end of the Kingdom of Fife. 

He shrugged to himself and swiped right, then popped into her messages. Things went well at first, but they soon became… weird. He quickly closed out of those messages and blocked her, though it did little to block the mental images her words bought. He had slaughtered peasants of Dundee and completed sacrificial rituals to the elder god Kor-Virliath, but both paled in comparison to that witch's crazy plans. He shuddered to himself. 

After that, he took a break. Made himself a coffee, checked ancient tomes for spells on how to forget memories, screamed at the sky in frustration -- normal sorcerer things. He almost considered turning the phone to ash and forgetting the whole crazy idea altogether, but that would mean giving up on finding himself a suitable mortal, which he would have to do eventually anyway. 

So, he settled comfortably, kicked off his boots, and began to look through the app once more. 

He swiped through about twenty or so boring posts before one made him stop in his tracks. He squinted in confusion at the tiny screen. Was that… a dragon? And sure enough, a closer look confirmed it — it was a dark purple dragon lounging on a bed of treasure, pearly lilac belly partially exposed. He thought it was a joke, of course; someone using a dragon picture to garner attention. A dastardly but effective strategy. 

The username was  _ Sweet_Scales _ , and the bio said:  _ The greatest treasure is a good time with someone special  _ 😘 _ Casual or serious, I don't mind. _

Ignoring a feeling that he might regret this, he swiped right.

Two minutes later, he threw his phone at a wall and went for a walk. How in the name of the wretched McFifes did a dragon even manage to type on such a tiny screen!?

He went on a relaxing walk and made himself some food after he got back, wanting to completely clear his mind before doing another attempt at this dating thing. Thankfully, the phone wasn’t cracked despite having acquainted itself with the wall -- a small mercy which Zargothrax took as a sign that maybe trying one more time wouldn’t hurt. (He wasn’t lonely, he told himself, even though he knew it was a lie.)

So, he got comfortable once more, deciding to lay down as he scrolled through his many, many options, much more conservative of swiping right and now primarily swiping left.

After almost fifty swipes, men and women alike, he paused, finger hovering over the screen. This one intrigued him. Very, very much. Their username was  _ Elve _ and they looked.. Well, interesting. For one thing, their physical appearance was similar to the Dark Sorcerer himself. The man in the image also wore a golden crown on his head, and the bio said that he was “King of All Enemies” and wielded a legendary artifact known as the “Positronic Pitch Manipulator of Hootslaying.” (Zargothrax sure hoped that it was Hoot-slaying, and not… otherwise…) 

The Dark Sorcerer almost swiped right; he really wanted to swipe right, in fact. This was clearly a mortal that would at least provide some amusement while also offering help in ruling the new kingdom he would build above the crumbled ruins of Fife. Alas, he also realized that if he wanted to fuck someone with the physical likeliness of himself, he could much more easily summon a duplicate of himself for those purposes than deal with a mortal and their feelings. So, he swiped left.

(Afterwards, he would think back to that choice with a tinge of regret.)

He kept swiping, quickly regretting having skipped that one opportunity that was looking more and more appealing with every moment, when something caught his eye. He almost swiped past it, thinking it to be a mortal dressed more ridiculously than the damned barbarian from Unst, but when he looked closer, he could have sworn his immortal heart skipped a beat. The frivolous cape, the mismatched eyes… 

The Goblin King was on Trothr?

No, that had to be ridiculous; that had to be a lie. Then again, was it really more outrageous than an actual dragon? No, no it was not -- after all, at least the Goblin King had proper opposable thumbs. 

And yet, the great wizard Zargothrax still hesitated. Would the Goblin King even respond if he reached out? After all, their past encounters hadn’t gone badly per say, but they had rather suddenly cut contact with one another, mainly due to Zargothrax being cast into a pool of liquid ice and becoming trapped for ten centuries. 

Then Zargothrax remembered that he was the greatest wizard ever and swiped right, beginning to think of what to say. After all, he lost nothing by trying -- if he failed, he would just destroy the Goblin King and the goblin kingdom so there would be no evidence of him having been rejected. 

The little technological device in his hands pinged with a notification. A message. He opened it and began to reply immediately. 

One thing led to another, and after about three hours of messaging, Zargothrax had a date to prepare for. 

Four hours later, Zargothrax waited impatiently outside the stone walls of the city of Dunkeld. He wore a simpler cloak than normal to hide his face and identity, but a deep red in color rather than the usual black. Below it, his outfit was even more varied than the usual. After all, today was not a business call -- today was a date. Wearing a suit seemed most appropriate for the situation. He even polished his best shoes and washed and curled his hair for the occasion. He hoped the Goblin King would appreciate his efforts, for he did not tolerate the presence of mortals and brave their foolish systems of trade for many. (Especially with how skittish mortals were of selling certain items because they considered them “shameful” to talk about or sell, or whatever their inconsequential excuse was.)

As the minutes passed, his impatience grew into fury. How dare the Goblin King arrange a date and be late to their meeting spot!? Was the fool standing him up?

Just as Zargothrax was considering the seventeen dozen ways to decimate the Goblin King and the entirety of the goblin kingdom, the dark sorcerer noticed a shape approaching. Finally! He attempted to not appear too eager as he pushed away from the wall he was leaning against and began to approach the Goblin King. 

Then, all of a sudden, the Goblin King disappeared from view. Zargothrax stopped in his tracks in pure confusion, not noticing the anti-magic chains headed his way until it was too late. He roared in anger, less at being attacked and more at someone daring to ruin his date and his good suit. Oh, they would pay! They would pay dearly!

* * *

Meanwhile, far from Dunkeld, in the caverns beneath Cowdenbeath, an ancient immortal hermit teleported into his home. He stretched, muscles sore after the sudden but necessary teleport, and promptly proceeded to throw off the ridiculous wig and cape he wore. The mismatched colored contacts came out next, and after that he went to take a nice, long bath before changing into his much more comfortable standard cloak. 

After all this, Ralathor plopped down on his couch with a coconut sorbet in hand and turned on the television, smirking to himself as he watched the news report. 

_ Dark Sorcerer Zargothrax arrested outside Dunkeld after stumbling into a Spaceknight anti-mage training session. Full coverage on the story at 2100.  _

**Author's Note:**

> If anyone from the band sees this: I offer my most sincere apologies (for not being sorry enough).
> 
> Want to see some of my other works or request a story? Check out my tumblr [here](https://thedarkmetallady.tumblr.com/) and my prompt and request rules [here](https://thedarkmetallady.tumblr.com/PromptAndRequestRules).
> 
> **Credits**  
This story would not exist without help from many of the wonderful people on the Cult of Hoots Discord Server! Among them, several names in particular stand out for voluntarily submitting the profiles of characters Zargothrax met on Trothr. These wonderful people are:
> 
>   1. Kitra13, who can be found on [AO3](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kitra13/).
>   2. [Draconic-Dreams](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Draconic_Dreamer/), who was the one responsible for sending this prompt and submitting the profile for Sweet_Scales.
>   3. Elve, who is known as Other Fake Chris and is the keyboardist for the band Ilmarinen (I highly suggest you check them out on [Bandcamp](https://ilmarinen.bandcamp.com/)!)


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